


please don't go (i love you so, i love you so)

by saturnine



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-27
Updated: 2016-02-27
Packaged: 2018-05-23 13:15:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6117583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturnine/pseuds/saturnine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>tobin loves alex. alex loves tobin. it's never that simple.<br/>or<br/>AU in which every time a person falls in love, a red line like a tally mark appears on their wrist.</p>
<p>// trigger warning: mentions of self-harm //</p>
            </blockquote>





	please don't go (i love you so, i love you so)

**Author's Note:**

> currently working on the third installment of 'take me home and show me the sun', but saw this AU on tumblr and felt inspired. title taken from alt-J's 'breezeblocks' (which is an amazing song!). as always, feedback is appreciated! taking feedback on my tumblr as well; http://leftbackohara.tumblr.com/

Alex Morgan walks into her first ever Women’s National Team camp with her head held high and a clean left wrist.

When she makes eye contact with Tobin Heath during their introductory handshake, she sees that Tobin has two vertical red lines on her wrist. Alex briefly thinks that keeping a clean wrist will be nearly impossible during this camp.

Shaking someone’s hand during an introduction is just an excuse to look at their wrist, even though they aren’t ever a topic of conversation unless the person has a clean wrist or has lines going up their entire arm.

Thankfully for Alex, Tobin doesn’t question Alex’s clean wrist, just simply states “Someone as pretty as you shouldn’t have a wrist that clean.”.

Alex doesn’t realize that their hands are still locked until Sydney, the other rookie invited to this camp, coughs loudly from behind Alex and signals with her head for Alex to move on to the next person so Sydney can introduce herself to Tobin.

The only thought Alex has the rest of the day is _“I’m so fucking screwed.”._

\---

Back in high school, Alex was under the impression that love was an unattainable feat for her.

She watched on as all her closest friends got into relationships and got their red lines, dutifully picked up each phone call or doorbell ring when said friends decided to break the news to her and tried her very best to act excited.

The day the red lines started appearing on her older sister Jeri, Alex knew they weren’t from finding “the one”. Instead, the red lines came from countless hours locked up in her and Jeri’s shared washroom, their father’s old razor blade in one hand and a towel to immediately stop the bleeding in the other.

Alex never commented on the fact that Jeri used to wear long-sleeved shirts in 90 degree (Fahrenheit) weather, never questioned when Jeri suddenly decided to stop going swimming with her and their other sister, Jeni, and she especially didn’t say anything when the red lines on Jeri’s left wrist disappeared after a few weeks, only to reappear again the next morning.

Alex is smart enough to know that the uneven red lines on Jeri’s wrist didn’t mean the same thing as the red lines everyone else gets, but even after all these years Alex still despises red lines for what they did to her sister.

However, when Tobin comes up to Alex after practice to congratulate her on the goal she scored during scrimmage, Alex thinks that maybe, just maybe red lines aren’t something to fear after all.

\---

This camp is one of the longer ones.

Tobin and her end up being roommates for the entire two months of camp. On the first day Tobin lets Alex have the bed by the window when Alex states she can’t sleep without a slight draft, even though Tobin’s bags were originally on the bed when Alex walked into the room.

That first night, Alex is relentlessly tossing and turning because she can’t sleep. As she’s about to turn over again, she feels a pillow coming from the other side of the room land on her lower back.

Alex whispers that she can’t sleep and within the next minute Tobin is in Alex’s bed, spooning her. She claims that it’s because she can’t sleep without a slight draft either and she has to somehow keep Alex still so she can sleep in peace.

Around 4 a.m. Alex wakes up and finds Tobin’s arm lazily thrown over her stomach and she can feel Tobin’s calm breaths hitting the shell of her ear.

Alex is considering different ways to get out of Tobin’s grasp when Tobin pulls her closer and she realizes that she doesn’t mind the weight of Tobin’s arm on top of her all that much.

\---

Once Alex blinks and stretches the sleep out of her body the next morning, there’s no sign of Tobin anywhere in the room, but there is a note in the now empty space beside Alex that reads _“Went to breakfast early, don’t worry, I’ll save you a seat.”_

Tobin does save her a seat at her table with Lauren, Amy and Kelley and the moment Alex sits down there’s an arm around her shoulder and a lazy, lopsided smile from none other than Tobin Heath.

Suddenly, Alex is extremely interested in her waffles.

They spend the rest of breakfast exchanging stories, Tobin telling her about the shenanigans that Kelley likes to pull during camp and Alex talking about stories from college.

Alex doesn’t know how it happens, but the topic of conversation goes from Kelley stealing an entire floor’s bed sheets to make an extravagant blanket fort in her hotel room to red lines and falling in love.

Turns out, everyone at the table has at least one red line except for Alex. When Kelley asks her if she’s ever been in a relationship, Alex is brought back to brown eyes, light brown hair and two red lines on a left wrist. Alex is about to say no, but then she thinks about large, muscular hands and stubble that always tickles her cheek when they kiss. Alex tells the girls at the table about Servando, how they’ve been dating since sophomore year of college and how Servando already has his red line.

When Kelley (ever the brave one) asks Alex if she is in fact in love with Servando, Alex briefly looks over at Tobin (who is deeply invested in her untied shoelaces) before replying in a tone as sure and strong as Servando, “Yes.”.

Alex’s subconscious thinks that she doesn’t really love him if he’s an afterthought to someone she met just one day ago. Immediately Alex buries this thought and tries to focus on the conversation at hand.

Amy, Lauren and Kelley all come to the conclusion that Alex’s red line is probably delayed, maybe the universe has messed up on this one.

It’s at this point that Tobin stands up from the table, not before knocking over her chair and then everyone’s eyes are on her, waiting for an answer to her sudden departure.

Tobin claims that her mom just called her and that she has to go immediately and she leaves with a half-wave to the table.

Alex ignores the fact that she saw Tobin’s phone on the nightstand between their beds when she left for breakfast that morning.

\---

Alex can’t seem to get enough of Tobin.

Alex learns that Tobin has never really had a bus buddy (“It was Kelley for like two days, but she ditched me to go and sit with Hope, which is understandable.”) and that Tobin _really_ loves card games. She’s never heard of Monop Deal in her life, but when Tobin asks if she wants to play after dinner that night, Alex readily agrees.

Alex spends the time after training and before dinner reading every single forum, article, blog post and website she can find about the rules of Monop Deal, and surprisingly wins the first game.

She completely misses the fact that Tobin never completes a full property set even though they nearly went through the entire deck of cards.

\---

Six weeks into camp Alex finds herself in the meeting room alone with Kelley, a game of speed setup before them.

“When you get a red line, what does it feel like?”

“Why do you ask Alex?”

“Because, y’know, I’ve never had one. I was just curious.”

“Well, since my nickname IS the love doctor – “

“- Kelley, no one has ever called you that.”

“Why is someone always trying to ruin my fun?”

“Not the point.”

“Alright, fine. As someone with experience, it’s like a pinch.”

“That’s it?”

“Well you’re usually happy, since you have just fallen in love and all, but it might suck if you fall in love with someone who’s already taken.”

“And has that happened to you, love doctor?”

“See, the nickname is catching on!”

“You’re avoiding the question.”

“Ummm, possibly, maybe, there’s a slight chance. Like a 0.1% chance that’s happened.”

Kelley glances at her wrist, then glances through the window of the meeting room into the hallway, where Hope is walking by with Carli.

“You love Hope? No fucking way!”

“Who loves Hope?” both Alex and Kelley turn to see Amy and Lauren right behind them.

“Kelley does.”

“I thought we made a pact baby horse! You even called me love doctor to seal it!”

“We did no such thing.”

“Oh, that’s it? Doesn’t everyone know that?”

“No they don’t Lauren! No one knows this!”

“Yeah they do, just like everyone knows that Alex loves Tobin.” Amy chimes in from beside Lauren.

“What? I don’t love Tobin; I have a boyfriend!”

“Could’ve fooled me, I see how you act around her, that’s love.”

“She let you win a game of Monop Deal. She never lets anyone win. Not even Rylie Rampone, who can’t even hold the cards.”

“The love doctor has performed a check-up on you Alex, and my diagnosis is that you two are definitely in love.”

“Whatever guys, I’m going to go call my BOYFRIEND.”

“Tell Tobin we say hi!” Kelley, Amy and Lauren yell as Alex walks out of the meeting room.

\---

During their last night of camp, they don’t sleep at all.

It starts with a simple question, “What if I don’t make the roster?” and morphs into something bigger, something profound that both Alex and Tobin can feel between them. Alex thinks back to eighth grade geography and tectonic plates and the world shifting below her feet.

They talk about everything and nothing, from Tobin’s Olympic experience in 2008 to Alex’s philosophy course at Cal. Alex learns that Tobin’s two red lines were meant for a girlfriend in high school and childhood best friend turned red line in college. Even though Tobin is well over both her exes, the red lines serve as a reminder to Alex that two people managed to get Tobin to fall in love with them.

Alex wonders what she has to do to be the third.

At 6:59 a.m., right before Alex’s alarm is set to go off because she has a plane to catch at 8:00, she admits that she firmly believes her clean wrist is meant to be, that she isn’t meant to fall in love with Servando.

Tobin, in typical Tobin fashion, doesn’t say a word to Alex’s suspicions, just reaches over Alex to turn off the alarm blaring from her phone.

\---

Alex has been back at Cal for a week and she’s already bored. She’s already caught up with her mom, dad and sisters, completed all the assignments she missed during camp, went out to coffee with her best friend and had a date night with Servando.

On Thursday night at 9 p.m. there’s a knock on her dorm room door.

She’s not expecting anyone tonight, having already said goodbye to Servando an hour ago. She thinks that maybe he left something in her dorm room, but reasons that that can’t be possible since the last time she let him into her room was three months ago when it started storming after their date and he needed somewhere to wait it out before walking back to his building.

The knocking continues, reminding Alex that she has yet to answer the door.

_“Maybe it’s for my roommate_ ” Alex thinks, then realizes that she hasn’t seen her roommate since moving-in day of freshman year and briefly wonders if she has to file a missing person’s report for this type of thing.

Reluctantly, Alex unwraps herself from the mountain of blankets she’s under and goes to answer the door.

Tobin Heath is the last person she expects to see on the other side of the door, but there she is, a U.S. Soccer backpack strapped on her shoulders and a half eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich in her right hand.

“Tobin? What are you doing here? How’d you find me? What? When? Why?”

“I came to see my favourite Baby Horse.”

“I’m the only Baby Horse you know.” Alex deadpans.

“Okay true, but you’re still my favourite.”

“How’d you find me?”

“If you let me in, I’ll tell you.”

“Oh! Right yeah, sorry. And sorry about the mess. I haven’t – it hasn’t – my roommate – it’s not clean.”

Tobin softly chuckles at Alex’s stuttering, “No problem, now let me see the place you’ve been calling home.”

\---

Somehow, Tobin got into contact with Alex’s mother through Pia (“And when I say through Pia I mean I stole her phone and scrolled through her contacts until I came across the ‘Morgan’ section.” Tobin explains), claimed that Alex had left one of her textbooks in their hotel room (Alex didn’t bring any textbooks to camp) and Tobin needed to return the textbook as soon as possible.

Alex won’t lie, she’s sort of impressed and a little (mostly) giddy at the fact that Tobin went through all that trouble just to visit her.

Tobin spends an entire week with her, sitting in the lone left-handed desk in all of Alex’s lecture to piss off all the students that have claimed the desk as “theirs”, buying ridiculous amounts of ice cream from the café across Alex’s building and impressing Alex’s Cal teammates at practice by being the only person to nutmeg Alex during scrimmage.

Alex completely forgets that Servando exists until he knocks on Alex’s door on Thursday for their regular date night. Tobin answers the door, and Alex swears she can feel the jealousy radiating off Tobin (not that she has a reason to be jealous).

“Hey Al, who’s this?” Servando asks with a puzzled look on his face.

“I’m Tobin. Alex’s teammate on the national team.”

They go to shake hands and there it is, the single red line on Servando’s wrist, which is equivalent to a slap in the face to Tobin.

“I was just leaving actually, y’know, gotta go home and see my family and whatnot.”

Tobin grabs her backpack from its spot beside Alex’s bed and is out the door with a wave to Alex and a “Nice to meet you” to Servando.

It’s completely silent for another five minutes before Servando says “She seems cool.”

“Yeah, cool.”

“So, you ready for our date?”

Servando takes her to a nice Italian restaurant not too far off campus, but all Alex thinks about during their evening is how Tobin uses chopsticks to eat spaghetti instead of using a fork just like everyone else.

\---

At their second camp, right before World Cup qualifying, things change.

Alex, who is newly single, is ready to tell Tobin how she really feels. Her moral is destroyed when she learns from Kelley that Tobin has a new girlfriend named Holly. Alex refrains from rolling her eyes when Kelley recounts the story to her, Lauren and Amy (she almost drowned, but Tobin _saved_ her), and she refrains from punching Kelley in the face when she says “Tobin’s probably going to get a red line soon.”.

_“It’s not Kelley’s fault that you’re a coward, Morgan.”_ Alex has to remind herself.

Tobin and Alex don’t talk about Holly, nor do they talk about Servando (or his sudden lack of presence in Alex’s life).

\---

Making the national team is not an easy thing to do. Alex is used to constantly getting praised by her coach and fellow teammates back at Cal, constantly hearing how talented and special she is, but when she comes into camp, no one says a word to her.

Pia watches her play for two minutes at most, jots down something in her notebook and walks off before Alex can turn her head to see her.

After practice that day Tobin and Alex are in the locker room and Tobin has one sock off when Alex breaks the silence.

“What if I don’t make the team?”

“Don’t be dumb Al.”

“I’m not being dumb, I’m being realistic. The team already has ARod and Abby to play the preferred 4-4-2, why would they need me?”

“Because you have a killer left foot, and you always time your runs perfectly. I’ve seen your games with the national team and even back at college, you have like three total offsides. It’s ridiculous.”

“There still a high chance I won’t make this roster. I haven’t done anything noteworthy during this camp…”

“Look Al, if you’re so worried about not making it we can stay behind today and practice together, alright? I’ll feed you corner kicks or through balls or whatever you need to feel confident.”

Alone time with Tobin is something Alex has never turned down before and she’s not about to start now, stupid feelings be dammed.

“That sounds pretty legit.”

“Legit? You’re spending too much time with ARod…”

\---

They practice from sunset to late in the night, until the bright stadium lights come on and there’s sweat covering every inch of Alex’s body.

Tobin’s service never falters.

Alex finds herself running towards the ball or the ball right at the tip of her toes (never behind her or a touch too far) and she also finds herself staring at Tobin the entire time they practice together. If Tobin notices Alex’s lingering gaze, she doesn’t say anything.

Once Alex’s legs start to feel like jelly and steel (don’t ask her how that combination works), both of them go to center field to stretch and rest before heading back to the hotel.

“You know; I’ve never had service as good as yours. Ever.”

“It’s my job.”

“I know, but it’s just nice to not have to wait for the ball, at Cal it seems like I always time my runs too late or too early. Never on time.”

“You’ve gotta stop being so hard on yourself, Lex. You’re an extraordinary soccer player. One of the best I’ve played with, and I really mean it.” Tobin moves to sling an arm around Alex’s shoulder and despite the ridiculous amounts of sweat on both of their bodies, Alex feels more comfort in Tobin’s embrace than she felt when the red lines stopped appearing on Jeri’s wrist altogether.

“Thanks, but- “

“You’re destined for great things. End of discussion.”

As Tobin says this, she turns her head to make eye contact with Alex and Alex swears she shouldn’t feel like drowning when she looks as Tobin, but right now, at this very moment she does and she swears Tobin is moving closer and if Alex leans forward just an inch they’d be kissing and – Alex starts coughing uncontrollably.

“I’m gonna go get water.”

“Um… get me one too?”

Alex uses the time it takes to walk from center field to her backpack on the sidelines to recollect herself, because there’s no way Tobin was about to kiss her because Tobin has a lovely girlfriend who’s probably being all likeable to Tobin by surfing at this very moment.

When Alex reaches Tobin, she notices that Tobin is staring at her wrist.

Alex can already feel the dread forming in her stomach. There’s only one reason why people look at their left wrist.

Tobin has a third, neat, new red line on her wrist that _definitely_ wasn’t there when Alex was sitting down.

“So, Holly’s a lucky girl isn’t she?”

“Uh, yeah. I guess so. We better head back. Cheney and ARod probably think I died.”

“Yeah, alright, cool.”

The taxi ride back to the hotel is completely silent.

“ _Stupid Holly and her fucking surfing hobby.”_ Alex thinks.

\---

“So, I see Tobin has got a fancy new red line.”

“I don’t want to talk about it Kelley.”

“Why not? Your best friend fell in love, isn’t that a good thing?”

“No, it’s really not.”

“And why is that?”

“Because I want to be the reason behind that red line, okay?! Not stupid surfer girl Holly.”

“Well, wanna hear something funny Alex?”

“If this is another video about goats Kelley I swear to god…”

“People are usually _with_ the person when they get a red line, and who was Tobin with? You, Baby horse.”

“That’s bullshit. She was probably thinking about Holly.”

“I don’t know Alex; everyone I know says they were physically with their significant other when they got a red line.”

“Maybe this was an exception to your dumb theory.”

“Whatever you say, baby horse, whatever you say.”

\---

A week later, Tobin ends things with Holly.

Alex ignores Kelley’s “knowing” looks whenever they’re on the field together.

\---

They don’t win the World Cup.

It’s a hard pill to swallow and Alex can tell Tobin is beating herself up pretty hard over her saved penalty kick.

Tobin doesn’t say a single word in the locker room, on the bus or back at the hotel. The only people she can stand looking at are Cheney and Amy, and even then the only thing she can do is silently hug both of them.

After countless hours on the phone with her parents, she goes to check up on Tobin.

Thankfully, Tobin’s room door is unlocked and Alex slowly walks in, making sure to breathe deeply before looking at the state of Tobin. Tobin has cocooned herself in the blankets on her bed and Alex can hear soft whimpers, which breaks her heart in ways she didn’t even know were possible.

All Alex can do is hold Tobin, she knows no words can repair this loss quite yet.

Once Tobin’s cries have died down and she’s drifting into unconsciousness, she utters her first words since the game “I love you, Lex.”.

That’s when Alex feels it, the slight pinch Kelley described all those months ago at her first ever camp.

If Alex wasn’t screwed before, she definitely is now.

\---

Alex does her best to hide the single red line on her wrist.

Putting on concealer, bracelets, long sleeved shirts and a watch become a part of her daily morning routine. Kelley doesn’t say anything when Alex comes to visit her in San Francisco and wears long sleeved shirts during her entire visit, even when they go to the beach.

She has no explanation for her red line, she’s single and hasn’t been romantically linked to anyone ever since her break-up with Servando.

If anyone ever finds out, she knows she’ll have to admit the truth and she isn’t sure if she’s ready for that yet.

\---

The Olympics are a little bit different.

Tobin and Alex spend almost all of their time together. They’re officially bus buddies now, stay up late to play monop deal almost every single night and spend their off days trying different cafes around their hotel or having movie marathons under the extravagant blanket fort Alex and Kelley have created in their hotel room.

\---

Alex Morgan is not a coward on the pitch. She’ll take on any defender, no matter the circumstances, to get a goal. She’ll stand dangerously close to the offside line before a ball is played and take any shot from any angle.

Alex Morgan _is_ a coward when it comes to Tobin Heath. She’s too scared of Tobin’s reaction to tell her how she really feels, too scared of losing the best friendship Alex has ever had.

She still makes sure to cover her red line every single day, ensuring that no one ever finds out about it (not even her sisters back home).

On the day of the much anticipated semi-final match between Canada, Alex is so nervous she forgets to put concealer on her wrist.

Alex doesn’t realize her mistake until right after her game winning goal, when Tobin comes up to high-five her and won’t stop staring at her wrist. She makes brief eye contact with Tobin and can see a mixture of hurt and confusion in her eyes, before Kelley comes up from behind her and ruins their little stare down.

Alex wonders if she can come out of this without a broken heart.

\---

After the celebrations in their hotel, Tobin drags Alex into one of the empty meeting rooms.

“You didn’t tell me you got a red line.”

“I know.”

“How come I’ve never seen it before?”

“I was hiding it.”

“Why? Who is it? Is it Servando?”

“No, you know him and I broke up a long time ago.”

“Well, I don’t know. What if you two secretly got back together?”

“Well, we didn’t.”

“When’d you get it?”

And there it is, the question Alex has been dreading. She figures there’s no point in lying, the worst Tobin could do is reject her (the thought of being rejected by Tobin makes Alex want to cry).

“The night of the World Cup final.”

“But the only person you were with that night was…”

“You.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh.”

“Look, I gotta go.”

“But- “

Tobin is out of the meeting room before Alex has a chance to call after her.

\---

It’s been three hours since Alex’s conversation with Tobin and Alex hasn’t seen her around the hotel at all.

“Cheney, is Tobin with you?”

“No, I thought she was with you.”

“She, uh, saw my red line.”

“You got a red line?”

“Yeah, but that’s a different story for another time. I haven’t seen Tobin anywhere.”

“Did you check her room?”

“Yeah, Becky said she never came back.”

“She probably went for a walk. You know how she is.”

“Yeah, okay, I guess I’ll go to bed then.”

“And Alex?”

“Yeah?”

“She’ll come back. She always does.”

“Well, she might not come back this time.” Alex mumbles under her breath as she walks away.

\---

Tobin doesn’t show up to breakfast the next morning.

No one has no idea where she is, the coaches and staff have tried calling her, Cheney and Amy have circled the hotel three times ever since breakfast ended and Pia is about to call the police when Tobin walks into the meeting room, wearing the same clothes as yesterday.

There’s no time for Pia or any of the players to reprimand her, since they do have a final against Japan coming up and everyone needs to make sure that they don’t lose again.

There’s recovery for the starters and light training for the alternates today, so Alex spends most of her time by Kelley’s side, even going as far as spending an extra hour in an ice bath to avoid accidentally running into Tobin.

\---

With the game coming up, Tobin and Alex don’t really get a chance to talk to one another, both of them too focused on getting that gold medal.

The team seems to be playing with renewed energy during the gold-medal match, all their passes connecting, finding open spaces and going after every ball, no matter if it’s trickling out of bounds or if their opponents seem to be closing in on them. Alex has never felt more whole in her entire life (besides the time she met Tobin Heath, a small part of her subconscious tells her).

The weight of the gold medal around Alex’s neck is a welcome one, unlike the weight of the tacky silver FIFA medal, which is buried under a pile of old textbooks (which were way too expensive to just throw in the trash) deep in her hallway closet back in her parent’s house.

Alex is still hesitant to be around Tobin, so she excitingly talks with all their other teammates until Tobin slyly approaches her when she’s staring down at her medal.

Tobin picks her up and spins her around and Alex feels like maybe she doesn’t have to be scared after all.

“After everything calms down, can we talk?”

Alex does her best to hide the excitement in her voice, “Yeah, of course.”

\---

Tobin knocks on her hotel room door later that night, once all the celebrations have been completed.

“Wanna go for a walk?”

Alex throws on an old Cal hoodie and follows Tobin out of the hotel.

They’re mostly silent until Tobin reaches a bench with a streetlight above it and clears her throat to get Alex’s attention.

“I’m sorry for running away.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not okay. I was scared.”

“Of?”

“What this all means.”

“It doesn’t have to mean anything.”

“But it does mean something!”

“Look, it’s cool if you don’t – “

“Look Alex, I never told you this, but my third red line? It wasn’t for Holly; it was for you. I’m sorry I never told you, but you just got out of a relationship and I just got in one and I didn’t want to complicate things.”

“But you were in a relationship with her at the time…”

“That didn’t mean anything. I only had feelings for you. I still have feelings for you.”

“So, what do we do now?”

 “I’d love nothing more than to take you on a date Alex Morgan, once news about our gold medal dies down of course.”

“I think I’d like that.”

“Yeah? Cool.”

“Cool.”

\---

Tobin takes Alex hiking, with a picnic set-up at the end of the trail.

Tobin swears her third red line becomes a darker shade of red than the other two when Alex places a soft kiss on her cheek at the end of the night. (It’s probably the sunset that’s messing up her vision, she reasons).


End file.
